If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
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Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.