If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
You Might Also Like
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said