Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

This checks out

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair