If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.