If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.