If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
You Might Also Like
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat