if a cop pulls u over play dead
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs