if a cop pulls u over play dead
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SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Just got to our Airbnb!
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.