If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON