If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
You Might Also Like
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.