Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“