Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

Breaking news:

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

wow he looks just like him

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*