If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
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wow
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good