Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

do horses think humans are hats

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.