If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
![]()
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
![]()
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
5 ways to appear taller
![]()
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.