If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”