If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk