If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
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Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Today’s Times
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.