Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

an octopus is just a wet spider

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Hell yeah 👍

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Ha

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

vegan witches, happy halloween!

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?

Batman: ?

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.