Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Drive as I say, not as I drive.

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.