Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

こいつ天才

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers