Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

When customers come in 6 hours before closing

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

due date

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.