Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.