Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Her: Put your finger on it!

Me: Like this?

Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!

-Making the perfect bow

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.