If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this