Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.