If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
The Others (2001)
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.