I’m wanted (wanted):
If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?
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My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I’m wondering who her real dad is.
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me [sees a lemonade stand]: one sec i’m pulling over
Other EMT: *stops giving CPR* oh hell yeah
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…