Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

Ummm 😳

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser