Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

You better wish for more oil

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you