Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

ㅤ

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

goldfish mafia