If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
“I’m helping” 😅
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try