Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.