If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol