If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe