Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.