Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.