If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
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When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!