Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.