If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You Might Also Like
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.