If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
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*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second