If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m not stressed
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.