If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
can’t talk my ride’s here
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.