If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser