If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…