If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.