@SteveInevitable

If a girl texts you and asks if you think she’s fat and you try to respond “Nooo” autocorrect changes it to “Moo” so that’s pretty cool.

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@NikkiGlaser

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

@chuuew

[at the ballet]

“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@mel_pollen

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

@GabbbarSingh

Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.

@UncleDuke1969

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

@notfunnyelle

I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion

@BoozeWallet

I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me