Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she’s fat and you try to respond “Nooo” autocorrect changes it to “Moo” so that’s pretty cool.
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Until you can’t kill a spider with an e-book, Print media will live.
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I’m so pale a vampire just gave me a cookie and a blood transfusion
I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.
What is love?
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me