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There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Fiction has to make sense.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Received some very disappointing news today
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My work here is done
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks