If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!

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The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.


Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)


Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house


Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.


Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??


Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.


Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*


Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>