The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>