Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
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Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.