“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.