@nolifecoach

If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!

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@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@o__0Dev

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

@GrantTanaka

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

@nbadag

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

@WheelTod

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

@SamGrittner

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

@ohen39

[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend

@FredTaming

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

@mollzbenn

I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.