If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!

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Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.


Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.


parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are


ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]


I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


[meeting girlfriend’s parents]
her dad: we’ll be seeing more of each other then?
me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend


him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs


I was using a q-tip and went in too deep in my ear, and now I can’t do math.