Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

Me: *clapping enthusiastically*

You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho

Sell your car

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.