Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper