Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars