If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why