If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.