If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.