Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all