Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”