If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
why am I working on Labor Day
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Printer ink is expensive
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked