Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.