If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Poetry is my passion
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night