If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.