If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
this is the greatest thing ever
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”