It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!