If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
You Might Also Like
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
O Wise One….
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Asking the real questions!
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix