@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

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@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

@fart

the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@shariv67

If Rapunzel was a brunette, she’d have just opened the front door.

@truegritrumble

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

@jonpinder3

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

@JeremyKCMO

I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]