If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.


Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.


the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off


What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken


My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago


If Rapunzel was a brunette, she’d have just opened the front door.


COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.


“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”


I’m opening a bar called The Office. You’re welcome guys.

“Be home soon sweetie, I’m at The Office”


game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]