If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
hear me out : pockets for your socks
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
an airline just for babies.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty