@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

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@AmishPornStar1

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

@SarahArcherM

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@whtedaisy

Decks. Because I like to be outdoors, but not like all on the ground and shit.

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@Home_Halfway

Keep your coworkers on their feet by beginning your next e-mail with “If you’re reading this, I’m already dead.”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@CAshmanActor

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

@mikescollins

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”