If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I am never leaving this website
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Yes, this is exactly right
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK