If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades